Love Sick, By Sara Spring

To The Cleaning Person Who Cleans My Office,

When I arrive in the morning to a clean office, I say a little thank you in my heart to all of those on the cleaning staff who have worked so diligently while I slept in my comfortable top of the line sleep number orthopedic bed. It is important for me to come to work in a clean office, hence why I appreciate the hard work on your part. Otherwise, I am unable to set about organizing my desk in a manner that makes me feel efficient with my immediate to do’s to my right and the more complicated errand based projects to the left, allowing me the clarity of mind to remember the birthday of multimillion dollar clients and schmooze them into writing more orders with me.

Recently, I have begun to notice a few things that have been going missing such as hair ties or the occasional bobby pin. I have overlooked these incidents as a simple blunder on the cleaning crew’s part in hopes that it would not lead to a more serious problem. However, last week when I was discussing my need to purchase some grocery items but did not have the time I was not impressed to find these exact same items in a bag near my desk when I returned from a power luncheon. Furthermore, when I stepped into my office this past Monday I was horrified to find that you had left a single rose on my desk and even more distressing was that it was wilted and dying.

I write this letter to you in hopes that you will refrain from acting out further displays of obsession. I also think it is important for you to know that I am in full support of minimum wage laws and Labor Unions.

Thank you.

X

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To the Person of Whom I Love,

I watch you from the hallways as you run around in your professional business attire and your stoic expressions leave me weak. I am a coward and will not be able to ever reveal my true identity to you. Please allow me this anonymity to worship you from a distance.

Love,

XX

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To XX,

When I find out who you are, I am going to have you fired for harassment.

X

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My Dearest,

Please don’t. That would break my heart and I would be left alone in the world to wander without you.

Fondly,

XX

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XX,

Find a job cleaning port a potties, I am sure there are plenty of homeless bagwomen that would be more than satisfied receiving dead roses as a symbol of romance.

X

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My Love,

Marry Me?

Future Hopeful,

XX

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XX,

Eat shit and die.

X

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My Beautiful Angel,

I will, I’d do anything for you.

With all my enduring love,

XX

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To the Cleaning Person that May Have Eaten Shit and Died,

I didn’t mean for you to do that literally.

X

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